Seth Josiah

Why am I Helping my mom plan my little brothers funeral? Why am I even talking about a funeral? Seth was prefect in everyway. He was 7pounds 6oz. The prefect size in our family. Why did god choose to take him away from us? What did we ever do wrong? Why did it have to be Seth that had to be punished it could have been me it could have been any of us. So why him? When they said Seth would still have to be born like another baby. That may have been one of the hardest parts of losing Seth. Never thought we would be welcoming a baby in the world just to say goodbye as he was on his way to heaven. I could have held him, kissed him, loved him, so many things that I could have done but now its all been taken away from us all together. We did hold him, we did kiss him, we did and still to this day love him but I want to go back to the day we lost him and make that day go a different way then it went. Maybe just maybe he would have still be alive maybe I would have been holding him while writing this. Or maybe saying “ Seth I love you so much” but now I have to think of how it would have felt to hold him at 3weeks, or kiss him when he cried. Not even knowing what his cry sounded like. that’s one of the most painful things to have to live with. Maybe when we did go in to the hospital back in February when they sent us to the hospital maybe he would have been born early but we still would have had a chance at having him here on the earth with us. Why couldn’t we held on a little longer. If I knew then what I know now I may have stayed home when I wanted to go out and do something, or loved on him in my moms tummy a little longer, held on tight to the flips and flops he would make. I find myself playing the maybe game way to much now. I don’t know that I have ever had this much pain in my 16years of life, yes my parents getting divorced or losing grandparents but this its hurts a whole lot more then I would have thought… I just want to hold him tight again. And never let go.