Ive decided i need to stop hiding my feelings... When people ask me if I'm doing okay I will no long say "yes" I will say "no" and walk away. I don't want to really hear it anymore. No I'm not okay my baby brother is dead. And saying I'm okay would mean I'm lying no I'm not okay and don't know hope long until I will be days, months, years. Who knows. I don't know but I wish someone had the answer I was looking for.
-Sunday morning
Great church today on the 4 weeks after the day our lives changed and they are talking about afterlife. Really I mean who thinks this would be helpful. I wish I could just get up and walk out. That's why I am blogging otherwise I would go crazy. "baby's and prefect when they are born" blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. Seth was prefect. Oh but he wasn't crying, breathing, and his heart was still. And that's a prefect baby. You have got to be kidding me. I really want these next 30mins to go by faster then they are. I feel like every time I look at the clock and it says 11:21 5mins later 11:21 what the heck! How is that happening. I can't wait to be with friends and get sways from all the stares. That's all it is in this church "oh your baby died let me stare at you". Maybe if this happened to you you wouldn't be staring like you have an eyes problem. I want this pain this hurt these tears to stop I want to rewind about 6weeks and tell Seth how much I love him. I want Seth to be sitting here next to me at church. Next to me is just an empty chair nothing, no car seat, no diaper bag, no crying baby needing to be held Nothing it's like Seth never was in our family. Or maybe if I just look to my left and look at my moms tummy and Seth would still be growing inside. Maybe. Just maybe. This is just a nightmare. I wish someone would wake me up. Just wake me up already!!!!!!
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