March 18th 2012

March 18th 2012, this day will forever be in our hearts. Its will always be the day that would have been Seth Josiah's birthday. From now on it will be his angelversary. Each year on March 18th we will take balloon's to Seth's grave and let them Fly up to him.

I am forever going to say that we have four birthdays at one time. Seth's, Mine, Adam's, And Caleb's. when people say "OH" I'll say "YES!" I don't want people thinking that Seth is not apart of our family. He will forever be in the Schamburg family. He was and is a Schamburg. Some people say 9/11 will forever be in their hearts.. For us it will always be 3/18! I love that even though One of my siblings are in heaven. I am still a big sister to five wonderful siblings, and never any less.

I would never wish this on anyone but sometimes I wish people understood more then they do. Some say "yeah i know what your going through I went through this when my Grandpa died" "UH! No you didn't!" you didn't lose one of you're kids you lost a grandparent was it was time for them to die. a baby should not die before they are even born. They should die.... PERIOD!!! Babies should bring you great joy to you're life. Not Sadness, Heartbreak, and Pain. I at 16 should not have to go through this. Never... Ever... Not even my mom she should never lose a baby. The parents should be the ones to go first not you're kids. Not Ever!!

Family Tree

The other day I was talking to my grandma and I was trying to find out what all the names were of my family. If you are still reading this then you are going to like this story....

So my Grandma Paul. Her dad my *Great grandpa Spitzer skipped out on her when she was 18. So we don't know to much about him but that he should be dead already because he would be 100 and something, Then we got to my great grandma Wagner which is my grandma's mom who time ago was married to my Great Grandpa* at some point that I am not sure about when they divorced but it must have not been when my grandma was to old. Also my Great grandma got re-married To Ray and passed away Two weeks to the day before I was born. My grandma Paul likes so think that we passed each other Like I was going to be born and my Great grandma was going to heaven but who know. Not sure if we will ever know. Ray and Lucille are laying peaceful right by each other.

Then we get into my grandpa Paul. Well I don't know to much about that side. I am sure I should know more then I do. But There are pictures of me when my great grandma Paul was holding. By the way My grandpa and grandma divorced at some point I also don't know, and He re-married. My grandma and my grandpa had three boy's together. My uncle Stephen (Steve; Pretty sure that's how it spelt but could be wrong) My uncle William ( Bill) and then my Dad (James or Jim)

Then we get into my mom's side. and well that gets a little crazy so I will save that one for another time.

But then after my Parents were together for a few years. They got divorced as well ( which if you haven't already put the pieces together, YES! Divorce runs in my family. But I am NOT! letting it happen to me I am putting a stop the this.

 

Thanks for reading my Family Tree I hope it wasn't to hard to understand. :)

Sixteen and One Month

One month ago today I turned 16 (: I can't believe how fun being sixteen has been all the thinks I have gotten to do since my birthday has been awesome. I have gotten to do so much and I know that it wasn't like the best birthday day ever because I did lose my BABY brother. I can't believe how fast this Past month as gone bye. Feels like yesterday that I turned 16. WOW! time sure does fly by.


I know this might not be one of the longest blog post ever but it's all I really have to say so Keep Reading and maybe my Post tomorrow will be longer. :)

Miscarriage! Stillborn! Dead!!

Hurtful words.

How can people use these words. It would be better if people just said DEAD!!! I mean that's what they are right they are DEAD.  My brother was born sleeping not STILLBORN! Who the heck came up with these words MISCARRIAGE? STILLBORN? Was it someone who doesn't have feelings? Because these words hurt in every way that they can. I wish they could use different words if it was something that was so hurtful to the people who have lost babies.

One of our family friends she has to babies that went to heaven, she lost them around the early weeks, She HATES the word miscarriage. She says she did not miscarry her angel babies, she says that she wasn't Promised her babies... Mom was, we were. We were promised Seth. Mom carried him for 39 weeks. If you say that you aren't promised after carring a baby for 39 weeks then you are wrong. We were promised Seth. We knew him.. Yes is was on the inside not the outside, But he would kicks us when we put our hands on moms tummy. We watched and looked at him on the ultra sound. Thats a Promise.


Why did our promise get broken? How is it okay to take away a baby. 6 weeks-41 weeks. How is that OKAY? I want to know why? How? What did we ever do? Nothing that's right NOTHING at all. I wish this was just a nightmare, I wish I could wake up. I wish this pain would go away.

Mom's Blog

While reading some blogs and reading questions on google makes me want my mom to have another baby so bad I just wish she would want to... Okay I take that back I know she wants another baby I just don't know if she is willing to try it again... Maybe she would be worried that something would go bad again. I just wish she would think about it before she says she doesn't and then can't and then she would be so upset about not trying it again.

 

I think another baby would make our family feel like we have a band-aid on our broken hearts. I think one thing she worries about is... Will people think she was crazy to be trying again. Thinking that another baby would die if she had another... I just wish we had Seth, but maybe god would give us a chance, maybe twins. Someone at our church lost a  2 year old that drowned in a pool. And some time after that she was pregnant with twins. Maybe my mom would have a Chance at having a happy ending after have her heart ripped out of her heart.... Speaking of which here is her blog ( A Piece of My Heart In Heaven) Also check out (Seth's Name Gallery) It has picture's of Seth's name written on different things. Each month on the 18TH a new picture should be posted. May be a few days late or a few days early.

 

I love reading my mom's blog. I like seeing the different stories that there is about Seth while he was inside growing, And even things about after his birth/death. The way she put it together amazes me. Just think if Seth were here who knows if she would have had a blog in the first place. What would she have written about? Seth Growing? Would she even have had time? But then again we would have had Seth and got to be with him and watching him grow. It's hard to think about how much and how fast our life changed for a lifetime. One minute is all it took. One minute, One minute I was smiling about knowing that Seth was going to be apart of our family, One minute I was happy that Seth was going to be a BOY!!! But then one minute I was happy that any minute Seth would be here then that minute changed and I wasn't happy I was crying, sad, heartbroken, couldn't believe what had just happened. I never would ever wish that on anyone!!

Sunshine! Storm!!! Rainbow????

I love when I put "Seth Josiah Schamburg" on google it's everything about Seth. Even the picture of his name in the sand. I love seeing that knowing that even though Seth isn't here he is still here even though he isn't. I find a little bit of peace knowing his name on google then I see Seth sweet name I love so much. It's weird how on google you can search anything and you will find what you are looking for. I have been talking to mom about "what if" she had another baby. Would she want another baby? Can she have another baby? Are people going to say "oh your having a baby after you last one was dead" better jot say anything. Nothing at all or I will be very mad at some people even more so if its family. Some people or should I say person who shall not be named would make it seem like mom would die if she has another baby. But no she wouldn't she talked to her doctor when she was pregnant with Seth and the Dr. Said "are you going to have anymore kids because your so healthy" but some people will think your goons kill this baby to. But she wouldn't we found out it was nothing that mom did Seth just went to sleep and didn't wake up. I would love if my mom had another baby 'a girl?' then I would love on that baby forever. It would never take Seth's place but it would put a "band aid" on our hearts. Would hold our hearts together until we can stand the pain. On lady told mom when you have kids they all have 'names' if you have other children before a loss then they are called 'sunshine babies' and then when you lose a baby then it's called 'a storm' and then if you do or can have another baby then the baby is called 'rainbow baby' I want my mom to have a rainbow baby. I want a baby in our house. I want to pick up a baby and hold it when it starts to cry, kiss on it, and love it so much. I don't think anyone would know how much love I would have for another baby I would most like never share this baby with anyone *NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT MY MOM IS PREGNANT AS OF RIGHT NOW!!!* doesn't mean never but doesn't mean now. I just wanted to make that clear. But might I say I would love right a blog saying that she was. If only she were. Maybe one day months from know maybe she will be having her/our rainbow baby. Who knows.

Prom Part 1

Yesterday I got to go out with my friends Laurel. She went to get her hair cut and asked me if I wanted to go with her. I told her I would because I had nothing better to do. I mean it was Caleb's Birthday and all but we weren't going to be doing much anyway.

 

I cam home and I had My TOM'S I had been waiting for. I am going to Prom on Thursday and I wanted to get myself a pair of tom's to match my dress which is really pretty. I hope that after prom I can Post a blog post of my nigh out with friends.

 

My dress is Blue kind of like a mint or a teal blue but it is really cute. I can't wait to show it off on Thursday and have a good time. I get to spend my time with some of my favorite friends. I can't WAIT!!!!

Friends

While sitting here watching friends makes me think about my friends and how much I love mine. There are only a few I can call my real friends. Then there is some that i can see them being my friends for a long time. Some I started being friends with when I was only 1 then there is some that I have only been friends with for a few years. Some that know ever story in my storybook then there is some that only know some story's that aren't even though they aren't bad. I don't want to share names but I love every one of them so much. They have been there through my ups and downs. I just wish I have a friendship like they do in friends the show. All of us can go get coffee and have a good time.


 Who knows what my life I will be like and who many of these friends I will still have when I am in my 20s. I could have only 2 of the 7 friends I have now. Or I could have every one of them still as my friends. I want to be friends with someone while I am the age I am and then have kids together and we would have our kids being friends. Like in one tree hill. They started as friends in high school and then they had kids and their kids became friends and were friends when they were kids. YES! I know this is a TV show and that doesn't really happen that often but I want it to happen to me and my kids. Be the best of friends through the hard times the best of times. I mean my mom is friends with a lot of her friends that she has been friends with for years. One of them had a baby a day before my mom had me. The other one she met when I was in daycare. And even if this may never happens the thought of does make me feel happy about my grown-up life. Not that I want to rush my teenager life because I don't want to grow up and then be sad because I didn't get to live my life to the fullest.

Awkward Moment

Yesterday I went to see the lucky on with our nanny Sarah. it was a really good movie but I really would have felt better just laying in my bed. Well afterword we went to meet mom at the mall to eat and look at pandora jewelry. Well pandora was not a fun place to be. When we got there the lady was just trying to get us to look at things we didn't want. And then she saw my necklace. And said "oh I have my footprints" okay that's nice and awkward. And then she said her daughter had something made for herself when their dog died!!!' okay lady that's a freaking dog. I lost my brother hate to say it but I think a baby brother is way more heartbreaking to lose then a stupid dog you had for plus so many years. Okay yes I know she didn't know that the necklace I was wearing was my little brothers footprints. But don't start talking about your dog when we really don't care.




Then later when me and mom were driving home. We were talking about all the hate and anger I have inside me. I have never wanted to scream so much. Really I wish I could yell from the top of the tallest tower. I want this anger to stop. I feel that I hate everyone that has a baby or is having a baby. I should be holding Seth not somebody elses baby. My own baby brother. I just wish that day had gone different. That Seth was going to still be born alive that a great miracle would have happened. But nothing changed. Seth was gone. Seth was dead. I just wish that I could still have Seth here with me. He would be one month. One whole month and now I don't even get to be with him.

Sweet 16

Sweet 16! Never thought I would spend my sweet 16th crying and wanting to be with my little brother. I wish I could start it over again. Maybe I wouldn't have felt in so much pain if Seth was here. Me and mom have talked about what if she got pregnant again. Someone our neighbor knows she lost a baby and then 3 months later she got pregnant again. I don't know how happy I would be about having another baby due around my birthday. I would be praying to god that everything would work out the way it should.


Maybe with the loss of Seth maybe god would give us twins. Maybe god has a plan with us maybe we had to lose Seth to have a chance at being blessed with the kids we do have. Like having one sister and four brothers. And maybe this is a lesson god is trying to teach us. Maybe there is something god will use us for. I've decided that when the time comes that I will be a great mother and take everyday like its my last. And then if god feels the need to bless me with just two kids I would take it. Or maybe he would bless me with 6 children. I wish there was someway to look and see what my life will look like when I have children. Maybe I would have as many as my mom has 6 kids would be great. Even if the boys out number the girls. I wouldn't care after losing Seth.


 I wouldn't care if I had one and have to adopt five otter kids. I wish I didn't have to wait so long though I wish I knew now. Not 10 years from now. I don't know how my life would be without the 4 siblings I have here on eatlrth I think if I would have only had Seth as the only sibling then my heart would have been crushed. I don't know how I would have been. Would I have been a mess? Would I not talk to anyone? Would I even believe that there would e a chance for my mom have another baby? Would I be worried about having my own kids? Our family does have death that runs in it. My great grandma lost her baby to stillness and then my uncle lost his son to SIDS. We thought it would never happen to us. My moms cusin lost his wife. So we never would have thought something like this would happen to o our family. All the other deaths were in thier family. Not ours. Never thought ours. I pray to god nothing like this would eve happen to me or any of my siblings. I never want this to happen again in my family.

One month in heaven

One month from when Seth was was born. I can't believe how fast that went by. I just wish he was here and I was holding me. But now I just get to think about him and look at his pictures trying to decide what he would look like right now or what he would be doing. Holding his head up? Smiling? What would he be doing if I were sitting here holding the little cutie. What is he doing in heaven? Is he doing what we would be if he were here? Oh I miss him so much right now. I wish I could hear him cry. Hold him tight. And kiss him all day. I guess I just have to ask god to love of him. Hug on him. And kiss him for me. Today his was gonna be friend Emery Ryder is coming into the world. They would have been a month apart and been bestest of friends. I want to meet him and hold him so bad. I don't know if it would be good for me. But I know in my heart it would be like having Seth here. Maybe they met each other while in passing. Maybe when Seth went to heaven then Emery and him got to meet each other. Maybe Seth and Emery will have some kinda of connection to each other. 3/18/12 will never be forgotten.

4 weeks

Can't believe I made it through the worst 4 weeks of my life. 4 weeks ago tomorrow sweet little Seth was born at 7:45pm sleeping in jesus.

Ive decided i need to stop hiding my feelings... When people ask me if I'm doing okay I will no long say "yes" I will say "no" and walk away. I don't want to really hear it anymore. No I'm not okay my baby brother is dead. And saying I'm okay would mean I'm lying no I'm not okay and don't know hope long until I will be days, months, years. Who knows. I don't know but I wish someone had the answer I was looking for.

-Sunday morning

Great church today on the 4 weeks after the day our lives changed and they are talking about afterlife. Really I mean who thinks this would be helpful. I wish I could just get up and walk out. That's why I am blogging otherwise I would go crazy. "baby's and prefect when they are born" blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. Seth was prefect. Oh but he wasn't crying, breathing, and his heart was still. And that's a prefect baby. You have got to be kidding me. I really want these next 30mins to go by faster then they are. I feel like every time I look at the clock and it says 11:21 5mins later 11:21 what the heck! How is that happening. I can't wait to be with friends and get sways from all the stares. That's all it is in this church "oh your baby died let me stare at you". Maybe if this happened to you you wouldn't be staring like you have an eyes problem. I want this pain this hurt these tears to stop I want to rewind about 6weeks and tell Seth how much I love him. I want Seth to be sitting here next to me at church. Next to me is just an empty chair nothing, no car seat, no diaper bag, no crying baby needing to be held Nothing it's like Seth never was in our family. Or maybe if I just look to my left and look at my moms tummy and Seth would still be growing inside. Maybe. Just maybe. This is just a nightmare. I wish someone would wake me up. Just wake me up already!!!!!!

A little piece of Seth

When we had Seth's funeral we went crazy trying to buy these bears. (Sethbears) we had one put with him in his 'bed' one in his flowers and then each of us got one light light brown almost whitish for the girls and a darker tan color for the boys including Seth. Last night I was putting together the flowers we need to take to him and I put flowers in our kitchen and one in my room. The one in my room has mine and Lydia's bears sitting next to it. I feel like that's what I should do as a big sister of a brother in heaven. I need to make his area around where his 'bed' is look prefect. I just wish it was a bed that i could go and pick him up when he started to cry.

Really

Our life never stops. After Seth passed away we have had two birthdays and one in two weeks. There is things that have to be done in our house. The cleaning, the shopping, the LAUNDRY (and trust me there is tons of it), and the cooking. I feel that right now I kinda feel like I'm kinda like the mother hen of our house. Washing the dishes is one of the things I hate doing but I have todo things to help my mom out otherwise I'm worried that she will get down in a deep hole and not be able to get out. I try and try but the hate of having to do things will never stop. I feel like if I don't do things either going somewhere or doing the things above about the house work then I'll find myself not getting out of bed and doing what I should be doing. Yesterday we found out that my great uncle who I know nothing about passed away and now we have to go to a funeral on Saturday let me remind you my little brother died only close to 4 weeks ago and now we have to go to another funeral. I don't know if I can or if I even want to. It's to soon to have to go to something like that. And we also got a baby shower invite (Um hello we just lost a baby I don't think we want to go to you happy little baby shower!) I feel like our life isn't slowing down as much as it is going faster. Only a few more weeks and I will have all of my brothers and my sister home. I hate not spending these 7 hours with me. Even more so now. They are the only ones that can bring me a little comfort. Maybe now I can just do a little more around the house to get my mind off of all the stupid things that happened yesterday and think that in 2 hours I will get to love on my sibling. (: happy thoughts.

What do you do?

Our lives have been turned upside down these last three weeks. Death, funeral, and birthdays. A sweet 16, a 5th birthday, and a 3rd birthday all in a matter of weeks back to back. I wish life would go back to close to normal not forgetting Seth but having a little peace, either going to the store and getting the items on the list by me, or buying my prom dress, maybe just cleaning up the house it doesn't make sense to be in grief but living in a mess. The other day we went to Seth grave. One thing my mom keeps saying is what do you do when you go his grave? Honestly what do you do? Do you talk to his shell? Because that's not him thats just the shell he uses to live in. Do you pray? Do you use it as your time to talk to god? What do you do? I wish I could have the answers that I have been looking for. The what do you dos. My mom is having a hard time going to the cemetery. We even talked about maybe it should be my job to make sure everything looks like it should. Giving him flowers and making sure it's all the way it should be. I feel so lost on what to do for Seth. Do you do something there? Maybe we should plant flowers at our house and get a stone that says something sweet and heart felt. We haven't taken him flowers and so when we went the other day I was trying to save the 'yellow' Lilly's they were is Easter flowers that me and Sarah took to him Thursday and for them to still be alive in amazing. I wish we could being him more then that. Maybe a windmill. Or and little duckie. What do you take to a baby's grave. Anything? Nothing? Something?

One day

One day I will wake up from this nightmare. One day I will finish high school. One day I will move out of our house. One day I will meet my prince charming. One day I will marrying the man of my dreams. One day I will buy my first house. One day I will find out I'm pregnant. One day I will find out if I'm having a boy or girl. One day I will have a baby. One day i will attend my brothers and sister weddings. One day I will be and aunti. One day I will teach my kids how to drive. One day I'll watch my kids, nieces, and nephews graduate high school. One day I will turn 30 40 and even 50. And then my one days will start to be numbered. So then it is. One day I will retire. One day I will lose someone I love. One day I will have grandchildren. One day I will get old. One day just one day. One day I will die. One day I will meet my brother Seth. One day I will hold him and love on him. One day I will see all my loved ones. One day one day sometimes there is only one more day. Live life to the fullest. Don't sit there waiting for your one days to happen. Live as it's you last one day. One day one more day.

Not enough love

I feel like I didn't love on Seth enough while he was growing. Maybe I should talked to him more. And kissed moms belly more often. I wish I could go back 3 weeks and start all over. Loving on him telling him "I loved you" or buying him more clothes. Maybe if I did something a little more Seth would still be here in my arms. Not enough love? Is that why he is gone? Did I not love him as much as the others? Now I know I will love my siblings and my children forever and always. I never want this to happen ever again. Did I not love you enough Seth? Was I not a good big sister? What did I do wrong?



I guess maybe god loved you more then I could have ever loved you. Maybe he wanted to have you with him. Maybe there wasn't enough love here from us for you. Maybe you would have struggled maybe this is gods way for us to love you. Maybe we have to love you from heaven now.


Yup! I think that's how I will have to look it. And maybe that's how I'm going to have to love you. I'll just have to keep you in my heart because I wouldn't have gave you all the love you would have needed. Seth Josiah I love you so much I don't understand why you were taking away from me from us. But one day I hope to know, meet, and kiss you. One day Seth. I'll just have to keep waiting for that day to come.

Teddy bear

Today we got these Teddy bears that were made out of my grandma (the one that passed away from cancer) clothes. They are the cutest things ever they were made. It's like having a little piece of my grandma right by my heart at all times. I mean these are made out of her clothes. How could I not feel the closeness from having it. Every time I hug it I think about it as hugging my grandma tight. My grandma was such a caring and loving grandma. Yes sometimes she would get on to me about little things but now looking back maybe I shouldn't have done the things I did. I know when she was laying on her death bed that it was hard for me to think back to how much a of pain in the butt I was. Maybe I should have done it this why or not done it at all. But i feel like she forgave everything I had ever said or done. Almost missed my chance if I wouldn't have been at hospice every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Then maybe I wouldn't have had my chance maybe I would have lost giving her that last kiss that last hug. I don't know what my feelings would have been with out that. One thing I will never forget is she was such a neat freak. Caleb's bear had a little bit of a stain on it. Oh if grandma Kathy was here she would get after him for staining her shirt. I love thinking back on little things like that. I can't believe how long it's been since she took her last breathe I still remember that day as it was yesterday. I can't believe how much as happened since then. One thing that bring my family a little comfort right now is that Seth is up there with his grandma Kathy. So he isn't only. I bet she is just loving on him, kissing on him. I must say I'm a little jealous of her right now. Just like I would be if she and Seth were still here. I never was one who liked to share new baby's in our family. Oh how I miss them both ever so much. I can't wait for the day I can walk into those gates and hug them both so much.

Wake Me When This Nightmare Ends

We made it. It was any day and Seth would be born. We couldn’t wait we got everything ready. His bed, his car seat, his clothes, and we got him a new bathtub.. We couldn’t wait to meet him and love on him. I never thought something could happen to a little baby that cant do anything. He was just a baby. The big day had came. Everything was ready and so was he. We went to the hospital. Got into the room. Waited for the nurse. And then the unthinkable happened. The worst nightmare anyone could have… They couldn’t hear anything there was NO heart beat. Silence, Nothing, like I was just in a deep sleep. Wait! All I could think was hold on this isn’t happening right now.. Seth is fine nothing is going on. The ultra sound tech came in and then it was the worst thing possible. The quite tech, showing us that there wasn’t a heart beat, that his blood flow wasn’t red and blue like it should have been, and the I’m sorry but Seth has passed away. Those are things I could never make leave my mind. The hurt I get from replaying that over and over.. Make it stop. Please just make it STOP! Someone pinch me! Shake me till I wake. This can't be happening. The first of the week he was fine everything was going great. But now it's sunday. Seth where did you go? What happened to you? Why weren't you breathing anymore? I knew he could answer but why was all of this happening? Someone please give me the answer!

What Big Sisters Are For

Big sisters are there when their siblings are born, there when they cry, when they need a diaper change, when they feel alone, when they learn how to walk, when they turn 1, when they need to be potty changed, take care of them when they want to be held, when life comes crashing down on them, when your sad, when you need to hold them tight, when they start school for the first time, they need you when they have homework, when they need someone to cry on, when they start high school, when they learn how to drive, when there is a bully, when they get in a fight, when they think the whole world hates them you still are there to love them, when they finish high school, when they go to collage, when they get into some trouble, when they start falling, you still are there for them and love them as much as when they were born, when they graduate collage, when they meet a girl that you don’t like, when they break up, when they meet a new girl and fall in love, when they get married, if your already married as a big sister your there to help them through the up and the downs, when they find out that they are having a baby, you tell them how proud you are to be a aunt, when you see them at family things, you hug them and never want to let go, when worst comes to worst you still love them, when they get mad you just let them get over it. No matter what big sisters are there and will never leave their brothers or sister go through all the hard things in life. You stick up for them when they need you. no matter what you are always there even if you are having a bad day. Thats why I am the best sister every. I am there for whatever might come there way. I am now I sister of 4 on earth and 1 in heaven. It's one thing not many people can say. I get to have help with keeping Seth safe up in heaven.

If Only

If only. If only I wouldn't have done this if only.  I wouldn't have done that. If only Seth was breathing. If only Lydia didn't have NF.  If only my dad didn't do what he did but then if he didn't where would that lead Ben, Lydia, Adam, Caleb, or even Seth. If only I wouldn't have gotten in the car and rolled it down the hill. If only I didn't meet this stupid person. If only my mom could take me out all the time. If only we had lots of money. If only I had a car. If only what happened when I was a kid didn't happen to me. If only I was the only child. If only I didn't dye my hair. If only I never got my cat. If only my cat had lived and not died. If only I could stop saying if only.  If only if only if only if only.  I can play the stupid if only game for hours but it will never change what has already happened. If something didn't happen then where would i even be. My siblings, my life wouldn't go on without them. I wish I could go back so many times a day but if I did then most of the things I have now i wouldn't have then. Maybe I wouldn't have had Lydia maybe god would have taken her away because of her NF. But then would we have had Seth. If only. 

Seth Josiah

Why am I Helping my mom plan my little brothers funeral? Why am I even talking about a funeral? Seth was prefect in everyway. He was 7pounds 6oz. The prefect size in our family. Why did god choose to take him away from us? What did we ever do wrong? Why did it have to be Seth that had to be punished it could have been me it could have been any of us. So why him? When they said Seth would still have to be born like another baby. That may have been one of the hardest parts of losing Seth. Never thought we would be welcoming a baby in the world just to say goodbye as he was on his way to heaven. I could have held him, kissed him, loved him, so many things that I could have done but now its all been taken away from us all together. We did hold him, we did kiss him, we did and still to this day love him but I want to go back to the day we lost him and make that day go a different way then it went. Maybe just maybe he would have still be alive maybe I would have been holding him while writing this. Or maybe saying “ Seth I love you so much” but now I have to think of how it would have felt to hold him at 3weeks, or kiss him when he cried. Not even knowing what his cry sounded like. that’s one of the most painful things to have to live with. Maybe when we did go in to the hospital back in February when they sent us to the hospital maybe he would have been born early but we still would have had a chance at having him here on the earth with us. Why couldn’t we held on a little longer. If I knew then what I know now I may have stayed home when I wanted to go out and do something, or loved on him in my moms tummy a little longer, held on tight to the flips and flops he would make. I find myself playing the maybe game way to much now. I don’t know that I have ever had this much pain in my 16years of life, yes my parents getting divorced or losing grandparents but this its hurts a whole lot more then I would have thought… I just want to hold him tight again. And never let go.

A Look On The Inside

I am a girl who lived care free for most of my life. I have 4 of the most amazing brothers and sister a girl could ever ask for. The have there own ways of making me laugh and even sometimes making me cry. YES! some days I do get a little mad at them but knowing now that I wouldn’t have known before makes everything change.. July 2011 my mom found out that we would have a new little brother or sister.. we couldn’t wait to have a baby in our family again. I love when my mom would have another baby to add to our growing family. Yup, that would make our family a family of 8. Some people would just stare others would be so happy saying "Oh what a joy that will be for you guys." We were careful of to who and what we would tell people about the new baby. I know sometimes people would drive us crazy saying "Really another kid for there family." Or things like "When you going to stop." Now with what we have gone through I don't ever want to hear that again... Yeah I know now that life can be taken from you at any minute... September 2010 my Grandma passed away from Cancer, a few years before that my Great-Grandma passed away. ( Of old age but still. ) I've lost Great-Grandparents, Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles, Cousins, and even Pets. But never In a million Years would I think I would have lost a SIBLING! Never ever!