Spirit of god

I have been sitting in my room for the past hour with my headphones in trying to clear somethings out of my head.

It has become my anthem. I feel like ever since I have started doing worship band that I have more of a relationship with god. That I can lock myself in my room and just cry out to him when I am in need of him by my side. 

And trust me I need him more now then ever. There has been a few very heavy things going on in my family that has taken a toll on me and put into a lot of worry, hate, anger, and sadness.

Hopefully god can show me that every thing is going to be okay. That he is there by my side through the best of days and the worst of days.

Spirit of god won't you fall down like rain awaken our hearts I'm running to YOU! That's the part that is sticking to me the most right now.

Let your rain fall, Let your wind blow, Let your Spirit come down, Come down! This is my prayer for god to come through to me and let me know he is there. As someone i have looked up has said. He is my "Daddy" he is there for me when I am in need. When I am calling out to him. Screaming for his love to cover me.

All I can do is sit here with this prayer, this anthem blasting in my ears till I can fell my "daddy" there giving me a big hug holding me through my troubles, my hurt, my pain, and my tears.

I hope this post wasn't weird to most because this is what is coming from my heart. It's what I am singing out to my god and I know some like to keep their and gods time private I would rather share it. Let others feel what I feel.

Then .vs. Now

So I know I haven't been writing much lately but here's what happened. We went on vacation Kansas where I got to hang out with my grandma and cousin. I also got a new phone it's a DROID razor I love it so much. My mom had her birthday but not telling how old haha. Now were getting ready to go back to Kansas so I can spend time with my grandma and my dad who I missed a lot.

I made it on our youth worship team which is really cool because now I get to sing every other Wednesday. Lydia got glasses. I'm waiting on my now. I really want to get extensions so I've been talking to someone who I'm friends with who is going to help me make them. They are so dang expensive.

I know I have been away lately but I've been super busy I went to Kentucky for nationals and made excellent in my small group. I am very proud of the 2 girls that did it with me Heather and Brandi. The kids started school Ben is in third grade Lydia is in first grade and Adam is in kindergarten. Adam is having a hard time going to school but he's working through it.

Last week and this week just go to grants farm the kids really enjoyed it last week it was with our nanny this week it was with mom, our neighbor Pam and her grandson Landon. I feel like I'm back to my old ways because I've been watching One Tree Hill a lot lately. But now I'm on the fourth season. I started my GED last week the preparation for the GED test itself is not very fun. Right now I am only doing 1 subject at a time it is a lot of work. I can't wait to start cosmetology school next year.

I put my Twitter on my phone I haven't been on there in 2 months wow. Friday was a fun day we had to go to have red lobster for dinner and then went bowling. The bowling was really fun the kids enjoyed it. I can't I'm kind of rambling so maybe I should let the post go and write again whenever I have time. I hope this kind of catches you up to speed of what we've been doing well I haven't been writing. I'll just leave you with a cute picture of Caleb petting the goats at grants farm!

Song Lyrics!

This is a song that has been playing in my head all night. The first time I heard it it was on The O.C our nanny I now know every word to the show.



Running Up That Hill

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems [x2]

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' [x7]


-Okay not the best post ever but tomorrow's will be better :-)

Lydia Did Great

On Friday she had an eye exam that had to be done to check for glaucoma. That was such a early morning, I have up and ready by 5 meaning a had to get up at 4:30. Must say we left a little late because Lydia had to be there at 6:15 and we were parking a 6:15 yeah that just shows that you're going to be late.

 

When we got there everything was getting done real quick. She got signed in and then taken to her room. room 21 to be exact. The rooms at same day surgery are very weird they are glass sliding doors. She had a nurse come in, then the nurse to talk to us about her being asleep, then the guy that would put her to sleep, add about 3 more people to him, and then the eye doctor they were all in the room at once. Small room with about 10 people in it. Yeah I thought I was going to scream.

 

Lydia was a pro in the room she knew what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. She knew that they had toys and she wanted them, she knew that she would have to take medicine, and then she knew about the mask she would have on her mouth she help her go (Nightie Night).

 

They told us they would be taking her back to get ready at 7:30 so we gave her hugs and kisses and she gave them to us. If you don't know Lydia like really really know Lydia then you are  missing out on an angel she can smile and make you're heart melt. She is the sweetest little girl ever.

 

They took her back.

 

We waited and waited. We went out trying to get a snack and a drink but the snack area was still locked. Because let me remind you this was really early morning. So we went back to the room and waited. I told mom she should go check because I didn't want to walk back out there like a loser. Yay it was opened we were hungry we hadn't eaten anything. So when we went in there we just wanted something it didn't matter what it was. Doughnuts that's what we ate. Yummy.

 

Then we went back to waiting. They told us that it shouldn't take to long but it felt like forever. We were hungry again but then the eye doctor came in and told us that there wasn't any signs right now of glaucoma. That doesn't mean she won't ever have it. Most likely she will have it in her lifetime. But when she does they will have a eye surgery to try to remove it. EW!

 

We then got the phone call saying she was in recovery so we went back to the area that she was in. Curtain 7. She threw up sometime from the time we got the phone call to the time we got in there. That was a little hard because the nurse in there was like don't touch her. Um lady she is our daughter/sister we will touch her if we want to. Then she was moved back into room 21 she didn't wake up till after two hours after the medicine stopped. She likes to sleep.

 

She would start to wake up then she would go right back to sleep. Then we found that the movie HOP was on and that's Lydia's favorite movie. She couldn't open her eyes because they hurt pretty bad. From what the doctor had told us they were moving her eyes. Ouch! We started to put the remote by her head. The remote was the sound. Hospitals are just weird like that. She was so funny she just lay there listening to it trying to open her eyes the nurse came in and gave her sunglasses she felt bad for her. Lydia then go to rock some awesome flower sunglasses.

 

Not long after that our nurse I really wish I remembered her name. Took out Lydia's IV and was getting us ready to leave. I got Lydia back into her clothes, Well the first time in her clothes when we left with her in her nightgown it was just to early to get dressed. Then it was time to go.

 

We decided to meet Sarah to eat because she had Adam and Caleb. So we got to go to Red Robin (YUM) Lydia was singing that on our way to eat.

 

-Yeah so that's it for Lydia's eye exam everything went great 

Meeting A Baby After Seth

Sunday I made plans with our children's pastor wife to meet her new baby boy Emery. He was born 18 days ago now. I think it has been taking a pull at my moms heart knowing that she doesn't have Seth because we had plans for Emery and Seth were going to be best friends from the beginning.

 

I was a little worried about meeting him for the first time not knowing how it would go for me. I didn't want to start crying. I was so looking forward to hold a LIVE baby. Because I don't know how many of you know but I held Seth a lot even though he was already gone. So I needed to hold a warm baby, a moving baby, and a crying baby. 

 

When I first got in there I just couldn't wait to get my hands on him. And I think Stacey knew that i wanted to hold him more then anything. We were over there (Me and my friends Brandi) for two hours just talking. We talked about if they were getting sleep, if Emery was hitting any milestones (which at the time he hadn't done much, But that night his umbilical cord came off) they said he was starting to hold his head up but then he would just drop it.

 

Then we started to talk about Seth a little not that much, We talked about where moms room was compared to Stacey's room. But later I was hanging out with Brandi and Stacey was just talking to me about Seth and my feelings toward it, And how my mom was doing, Why we hadn't been to church that much since it happened. I really think it helps me to talk to people about Seth. But more like mom's then my friends because they don't know what the pain is like. Not saying that I know what it is like to lose a son, but I feel that some people just try to compare a loss of a brother/sister son/daughter to the loss of a grandparent. Don't get me wrong because I have lived through both it hurts losing a grandparent but it's not the same kind of pain. It hurts a little bit more.

 

I don't know if I have written about this before but old people they die, Babies they aren't supposed to die. Not when they just start to live.

 

-Each day seems to be getting a little better-- Keep reading. :)

Short Post

I love getting on here and seeing that I have had people view my page. Even though I am not sure that I have that many people reading my blog it's still fun to believe it. I know what a loser.

I have so much to say yet not enough. One thing is I never know what to write about I have to kind of go into my own world to even think about some of the things I have written about. I hope my posts aren't to boring. I try my hardest to make them not make you want to fall over and go to sleep. I have to be careful about what I write because I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

So I have started to share this more with people I know, Meaning I think half of you don't even know me... Awkward... But I like writing so much that I sort of don't even care.

I feel like this post is not a very fun post to read because I don't have all that much to say. But I hope to have a new page about things I want to do before I have kids. The life task I want to complete before. So you should keep an eye open for this page, I hope to make it really cool.


-Well this is short but--Keep on reading I promise it will get better :)

Nanny Sarah

So we have the most amazing nanny in the world. I hope that after she has taken such good care of me that one day I can be like her and have kids saying I was their favorite babysitter.

So it all started when Sarah started watching us when Lydia was a little baby. So long ago now. Yet still seems like yesterday.

Her mom was friends with our friends and sold Avon. One day (okay many one days) My mom would go and buy things from her mom. Until one day she started to come to our house and sells things to us. One day Sarah was with her and she just got her license I mean just got it like that day. And she just fell in love with all of us. Okay I take that back she fell in love with Ben and Lydia she thought I talked to much.

Sometime after we first met her she started babysitting us. She would take us to MacDonald’s and to the park a lot because Lydia had to go the doctor all the time. I was to young to stay home by myself so I got to be babysat.

Not going to lie (Sarah if you are reading this just skip it) Some days she wasn't may favorite person but that was only sometimes. I loved her then and I still love her to this day. Otherwise all around best babysitter in the world.

She has been with us since Lydia was little and when mom was pregnant with Adam. That’s a very long time 5 years hint: that’s why we call her nanny. She was so wanting to be there when Adam was born but Lydia got her sick so she couldn't be there.

I just want to point out that Adam is her favorite and always will be.... I don't see what she sees in him but okay.. Just kidding I love him too just not as much as her no one can love him as much as her. :)

Adam and Sarah almost had the same birthday just by a day and then they both would have had a birthday on the 10th but he is my mother child and we all don't like the share birthdays. I missed my Uncle’s by a day just a day. That's a whole other story....

We all love Sarah so much. She was there when Caleb was born I mean she was right out in the waiting room and stayed past hours just to hold him and love on him. Then she just couldn't wait for Seth... I love how she found out. I hope you find it funny...

We were at olive garden eating after a movie ( Sarah takes me out she is now more like a big sister then a nanny.) and she jokingly says so is Caleb going to be the baby.... I thought oh no what do I do so I hide my face and try to play it cool well that didn't work because then she said Natalie. Oh great I was busted I couldn't hide behind my lie. So then I told her yes mom was going to have another baby. Even though we had already knew for a long time that she was pregnant we just hadn't told to many people about it.

I told mom when we got back to the house that she found out. I told mom I got busted. Then we started talking about a new baby you could tell Sarah would love this baby so much.

Then she had to go through every nanny's worse nightmare because we are all kind of like her kids (Well not me to much) When She found out that Seth was gone you could tell she was not going to be okay with losing one of her (Children) She got to go up to the hospital and hold him and love on his limp body. At moments like this you didn't really think that he was already gone you just took them in.

She so badly just wanted to hold him and know that he was real. And just that she did. I don't see her ever forgetting that moment when she first got to hold him and now that he was real that he did live for the 9 months and that he wasn't just as dream.

Last Tuesday she graduated college and now is going to be a teacher. We are all so proud of what she has done with her life. And hope she know that she is a very special person in our family.

-Keep Reading (:--- We love you Sarah